Today's post is about the F-word. Not that F-word! Feelings. Specifically, my feelings.
I’ve wrapped up the fourth and last of the planned 3-week chemo-immuno + recovery cycles. My ever-cheerful nurse Akolla, who has administered most of my treatments, even gave me a certificate! Yay me! My (relatively few) side effects are largely gone or fading. Some of the side effects from previous cycles repeated in the fourth, some didn't. They’re all just background noise except for annoying mouth ulcers, painful when I eat certain foods. So I’ve been avoiding salt, acid, and strong spices. For some reason beer, wine and coffee have not been a problem! Over the past couple of days my mouth has been improving and I’ve been gradually adding some spice.
I also somehow ended up with a friction burn on my right little toe. Like everything else, it took a long time to heal. It put a pause to my daily walks for a week or so, but now it's much better and I’m out on the streets again.
Oh, yeah: I still have hair! (See photo.)
So now here's a capsule summary of where I'm at, feelings-wise:
First of all, let me say that I'm not faking the light, positive style in these posts: it's a true reflection of how I feel. If I were mentally or physically down, I'd share that with you, but generally I’ve been on the Light Side, avoiding the Dark Side.
Not to say I'm blind to the reality. My life is truly on the line. I have Stage 4 cancer. There is no cure: the best possible outcome is remission (no detectable cancer). Without any treatment my prospects would be seriously limited.
But I am having
treatment. Timely, state-of-the-art, caring treatment. And so far it's working.Someone much wiser than me said: "We waste so much of our time thinking about possibilities". How often have I rehearsed a future stressful conversation. Or obsessed about something bad that might happen. Things that never do happen -- all that angst and energy, in the end, wasted. Now I’m working to avoid those wasted hours. The result is, I spend more time – mentally and physically -- working on today’s tasks, not tomorrow’s what-ifs.
People talk about a fight, a battle with cancer. My career has been in software development, so I tend to think of things as projects. In my mind my treatment is a project. Gives me a reason to get up in the morning and get on with it. To make and follow new routines, to tweak some old ones. My oncologist Nick set me up mentally for success in our very first meeting. “Your job is to maintain a healthy lifestyle and live your life as normally as possible,” he said. “My job is to fix you.”
I also seem to have a new clarity around what’s important in my life. People doing stupid things don't bother me so much. That's all their stuff, not mine. And this clarity, along with my generally good energy level, lets me get down to practical things beyond just my health, helps me get organised to get things done. I’m culling some books from my library, decluttering my office and the garage, repotting plants, …
I can’t take sole credit for feeling this way. I have a crack oncology team. My treatment is working and the side-effects have been manageable. Dianne has the same positive, encouraging view of the situation. She keeps me grounded and focussed. We have great communication. Laughs, too. Laughs are important. And all the great support from you, my friends and family, makes a huge difference.
So that’s the summary of my mental state. I really believe I can keep on keeping on with it.
In a few days I’ll be having a CT scan to learn more about that spot on my liver. Then I’ll be starting my immunotherapy-only treatment and meeting with Nick. (See the updated timeline, below.) My next update will probably be after that session. See you all then. As always, you can read my earlier blog posts on this page.
Meanwhile, thanks again so much to you all. Comments, questions words of inspiration are all welcome. I love hearing from you.
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